STUCK

I've been unhappy

But this is a different kind of unhappy

And I've been lonely 

But this is a new kind of lonely

This here is something that i haven't experienced before

This is a sort of sadness 

With a deepness that is

Something beyond much more

I've been rejected 

But this is a colossal kind of rejection

And I've been hurt 

But this is a continual kind of hurt

Right now I have emotions stronger than I've felt before 

These feelings are something far greater than much more

I am at a place where my choices 

Have become freeze or flee

I  am stuck in a position 

That I never imagined I would be

I am stuck.

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love walks beside me in silence

it does not hold my hand

or offer any other comforting

or reassuring intimate gestures

it merely walks beside me

creating hope and anxiety

i do not dare reach out

lest i am rejected 

and hope would die

i can survive with anxiety

i can not live without hope

 

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My sunshines few

My storms the common weather

My Springs and Summers brief

My winters seem to last forever 

THERE

In that place where tears become words and words flow from my eyes without meaning.

In that space where sighs become thoughts and thoughts drift from my mind without making sense.

Speaking through tears and
thoughts of random sadness
Talking through thoughts and tears of intense sadness
Can anyone hear what I am saying?

In that place where anger salts my tears and explodes from my eyes without rhyme or reason.

In that space where anger fuels my sighs and bursts from my chest
without a way to be extinguished

Breathing through tears and thoughts of random sadness
Inhaling through thoughts and tears
of intense sadness
Can anyone see my distress?

God are you listening?
Can you see me?
From the end of me, i cry
Lead me to the rock higher than I.

HURT (Johnny Cash)

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

these lyrics are last corrected by Johnny Cash

MAYBE

Maybe if I had never known betrayal
if I had never experienced pain
if I had never been misused

Maybe if I had never known disappointment
if I had never experienced displacement
if I had never been abused

Maybe if I had never been mislabeled
if I had never known a bad touch
if I had never experienced deceit
if my heart wasn't so confused

...I could love you better

NUMBNESS

Feeling disconnected
My heart needs a jump start
Feeling disconnected
My spirit needs a lift

Falling prey to numbness
Suspended in an
Emotionless abyss.

Longing to feel something
Needing to feel anything
Wondering if...
I am lost to everything.

I see life all around me
I try to grab hold
But moments slip from my grasp.

I see life on each side of me
I turn this way and that way
But moments slip by too fast

I slump in defeat
Into a deep sleep
Inside myself
Where things move slow enough
For me to catch them